PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it鈥檚 cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
What鈥檚 the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If you鈥檙e looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I鈥檓 your guy.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I鈥檓 starting to worry about my husband鈥檚 eyesight. He can鈥檛 seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Her: Why don鈥檛 you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor鈥檚 cat
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
latin students necrophiliacs
馃
enjoying a dead tongue
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that鈥檚 literally all I drink
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Delivering eulogy at o鈥檖ossum鈥檚 funeral: Before I start I鈥檇 like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.