i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
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If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.