The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Thank you corporation very cool
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Twitter is an abusement park.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.