“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”