You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
So that’s what we looked like?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.