just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.