Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
yeah 😭
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
My Plans 2020
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.