Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
twitter is a journey
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”