Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*