i think both sides are to blame here
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.