Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
LMAO
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The French word for sex is croissant.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Realize this:
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.