Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
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Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I don’t make the rules sorry
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.