Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
no cat here
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news