always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
termite twitter scares me
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.