“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.