Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
@ candidates for local office
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room