I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.