do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
This kid will have a bright future.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
When he asks for feet pics
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Pickled cat.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.