I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Wait a minute
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?