The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
You Might Also Like
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
The old gods are rising again.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.