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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!