No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
the answer was staring at me all along
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything