God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
You Might Also Like
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing