As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.