HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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when revenge coincides with naptime
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.