I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
😂😂
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.