Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I hope it’s French Onion!
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.