I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*exercises sarcastically*
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”