even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.