Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.