They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?