Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils