There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
What
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.