Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
(Gaming support cat.)