You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
never compromise your values
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian