They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
❤️🦆
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.