Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
You Might Also Like
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
when dads have a rap battle
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.