if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
A double negative is a big no-no.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?