Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
the three genders
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.