Me, in DM rooms…
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
When someone says you are so lazy
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake