My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁