I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Swedish for common sense.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*