Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”