Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
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Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
broke down and did it
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
(Musicians.)
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you