I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
greetings!
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.