What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.