I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Duolingo getting serious.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now