DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.