me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him