WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.